Something has been really bothering me lately. Keeping me up at night and causing me anxiety. It is the fact that I am told I need to find a rheumatologist. A rheumatalogist is a doctor who studies and treats lupus patients. The reason I am hesitant to go see one is because I have this feeling they are going to say, 'here are some pills to take all your life, hopefully these will keep you in remission. Good luck.' And that is not what I want.
About a month ago I decided to look for a rheumatologist. Talk about finding a needle in a haystack. I found a practice that had a female physician within my insurance coverage who also practices at a hospital I would go to if I develop any further complications. When I called to inquire a bit more about her, I asked the scheduler if there were any rheumatalogists within that practice who favored more natural treatments. (my desire is to have a balance of natural and medical treatments) To my surprise her answer was the female doctor who I had been interested in! I was pretty excited when I got off the phone with an appointment made with the doctor who I thought would be just perfect for me!
Throughout that month of waiting for my appointment date, several people randomly told me great things about this rheumatalogist. For instance, when I was at an appointment with my kidney doc one week, I told him I needed a referral to see this rheumatalogist. He told me he had just talked to her about me the day before. Telling her my story and how he may mention her to me if I hadn't found someone to treat my lupus yet. This got me extremely excited, knowing God had guided me to the perfect rheumatalogist!
Last week I went to this appointment. As I was walking into the building, I remember asking God to give me clarity as I was to decide if this was the rheumatalogist for me. The same time I was praying, I thought what I asking was weird. I already knew she was going to be a perfect fit for me! Right? I had been expecting it to work out this way for months.
Needless to say she was far from what I was expecting and hoping for. She did not really support or encourage my desire for treatments. She told me, "here is a pill I want you to take the rest of your life, hopefully it will keep you in remission, that is, if you choose to take it." Ok, not her exact words, but pretty close! I was so frustrated after that appointment. Disappointed. Hopeless. Thinking I'm never going to find a doctor that is right for me.
On my drive home I had to decide to look for the lesson in this experience. What was I to learn through this month of thinking this one appointment was going to be the answer I was looking for. My thoughts went back to walking into the office and my prayer of clarity and guidance. He was making it pretty clear to me that this was not who was to treat me.
Since then, I have been struggling with doubt, frustration, feeling like I'm going to have to do what someone tells me I must do regardless of what I want or feel is right for me. The other day, my mom posted something on Facebook that really stuck out to me. I instantly related it to this latest experience with finding the perfect doctor and being disappointed.
She posted:
"LOVE living in this! 'Don't worry about
anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and
thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful that the human mind can understand. His peace will guard you hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. '
Phil. 4:6-7 I remember memorizing this as a freshman in high school...so glad I did...this peace is AMAZING!'
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