Saturday evening was a work party at a local eatery/bar. I remember going, feeling uncomfortable in heels mainly because my feet were a size wider due to the swelling. (ok, Rach really? Why did you think you could pull off wearing heels?!!?) I sat there, chatted with my girlfriends, but was quickly feeling wore out and extremely tired as the evening went on. My lower back began to ache along each side (this is called flank) Hmm, I remember thinking, that pain is right where my kidneys are! I left the party early. Partially because I was feeling so terrible and knew my family was at my sis and brother-in-laws house where I knew I could just lay down are relax. And that’s ALL I wanted to do at that point! I remember being there watching the football game feeling SICK. I stuck it out, trying to enjoy the game, but at the same time feeling like my body just wanted to shut down. We went home, I rocked E and put her to bed and barely had the energy to change my clothes and throw myself into bed. I laid in bed looking at my guy who really didn't know what to do for me or what to say. My body shaking, my back pulsating from the pain, I was crying and wondering what was going on inside me that was making my body feel the worse it had ever felt. (ok, childbirth and recovery was really bad for me but this was a different kind of bad, not knowing the outcome bad. I had a beautiful outcome then, my daughter. My wonderful guy held me and prayed over me for healing and rest. Thank you Jesus for a husband that prays over his wife when he doesn't know what else to do!
Sunday was a day we were really looking forward to, A Night of Worship at church. Unfortunately, it would be a night much like the previous night. This night was a little different though. We were able to experience, as a corporate body of Jesus believers, the awesome presence of the Lord. Freely worshiping our risen savior and the finished work of the cross. What a night it was! Usually at an event like that you would have to hold me down to my seat if you wanted me to sit. But this night, I needed to sit. I HAD to sit. The pain in my back was overwhelming me. I used those times seated, to kneel down to my Father, humbly giving my hurt to Him. I then felt warm hands on my back, my mom’s hands. She knew my hurt and the problems I was facing. Oh the comfort that brought to me. Knowing that she was touching me with her love, but also Christ’s comfort and love which is so much more than hers! THAT is hard to believe people! My mom is the best, it is hard to imagine anyone else loving me more.
After the time of worship and praise my lovely friend Brandi, who is in medical school, and I were talking and I explained to her what was going on. We get each other’s medical humor and love to talk and converse about medical things that others would find offensive and gross! She told me she would be glad to give me one of her kidneys if I needed it! Haha. We laughed and joked. At that moment, little did I know I really might need one! That night at home ended up being much like the night before, as would the next night, on and on.
That next week I went to work and continued hearing the, “umm, you feeling ok Rach?” and “You really don’t look good at all!” Yeah, I really do feel like crap. But instead said, “yeah, I’m feeling ok”. I’ve found it’s much easier and quicker to say your doing fine when your really not. I would go into my patient’s rooms, wash my hands and take a quick look in the mirror and realize, oh wow, their not joking, I don’t look so great! Haha. Throughout the previous week and weekend, I had also been experiencing these awful night sweats. I’ve heard of night sweats and thought I had them during pregnancy. Boy was I wrong! Those weren’t even close to a night sweat! I would wake up multiple times throughout the night drenched in a pool of my own sweat! I would have to get up, change my clothes, sometimes many times during the night. I felt like I was washing my bed linens every day! I remember thinking ok, THIS is a night sweat! Shout out to my menopausal mammas! I know how you feel when those hot flashes come on! YUCK! No fun!
I finally got a call from the nephrologist’s office. Tammy, the physicians assistant, called me (who I would soon feel like was a close friend to because we would talk on the phone multiple times a week). She wanted to fit me in ASAP. Great ASAP being that day I hoped. No. Unfortunately not. The only available time was Wednesday. Ok, more waiting. The doc ordered some more specific labs for me to have done before the appointment. I go, have my labs drawn and of course have to look them up at work! And then the self diagnosing continues. With the help of my nurse buddies of course!
The labs that were ordered kind of blew me away, particularly my urine protein. Oh lovely, 753.1 mg/dL (normal is 0-11.9 mg/dL). My ANA (an indicator of autoimmune diseases) was high as well. As a nurse, there was one lab I had never seen ordered before. My lab book at work didn’t even have it listed. So thank you internet where you can cure your suspicion and find real answers! Ha! So that’s what I did. Got online and looked up this lab: Free Kappa and Lambda Light Chains (which was abnormally high) And the results?
“The serum free light chain assays are capable of detecting free light chains at their normal (non-elevated) levels in the blood. Importantly, these assays can detect mildly increased levels of free light chains even when these levels are undetectable by SPEP and IFE. This means that multiple myeloma could be detected earlier than might be possible with either SPEP or IFE and it is particularly useful in instances when only small amounts of light chains are produced by the myeloma.” SOURCE
At that point all I could think of was my girl and the rest of my family. If this is really is what I think it is then how long will it be before this takes my life? Will I beat this? I knew I needed to get rid of these thoughts. I quickly thought of the phrase, ‘He’s got the whole world in his hands!’ Yes, He has me in his hands, I do not need to be afraid. Then I had to tell myself, there is no diagnosis yet, you are fine! As I tried telling myself these things, satan kept trying to get in my head. So until there was a definitive diagnosis made I thought the worst and thought I had cancer.
Ok, maybe I shouldn’t have looked at my labs. I should have listened to my momma who kept saying, “Rachel, just don’t look. Let the doctor tell you what’s wrong.” Sorry mom. It’s like the feeling when you’re a kid and you know exactly where the Christmas presents are hiding, not wrapped yet. That is the feeling of a nurse, with her own test results at her fingertips trying not to peek! To that I say, yeah right mom! (I love you mom);)
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