Pills, Pills, and More Pills. Part 1

The week after my IV steroid treatments I had a follow up with my regular nephrologist. I hadn't seen or heard from him since my biopsy because he was on vacation right after the procedure. I dropped Elin of at my sisters house and headed to my appointment. Jared of course wanted to come and hear what he had to say. I was NOT feeling better at this point and wanted to know why. I had that huge dose of steroids that weekend! Why wasn't I feeling better!?! 

I was seeing my nephrologist every 2 weeks then and having blood work done every week before the appointment to check my kidney levels among other things. Now I go every 6 weeks, yay, I've made progress!

He started discussing my progress and my treatment plan based on my lab levels and controlling the lupus. I told him my blood pressure had been running high (which it was that day at my appointment).

He started telling me about the meds he wanted me on. Then said, "umm, I better write these down." Oh boy, I knew I was in for quite the med list!

Prednisone 60mg daily, taper to 50mg daily. As I posted here on Monday, the prednisone is used to reverse the kidney damage. You MUST taper off steroids. I am on 10mg now with pretty minimal side effects compared to when I was on 60mg. I cannot WAIT to get off it!

Cellcept 250 bid (this means twice daily) week 1
         500 bid week 2
         1000 bid week 3 = This is my current cellcept dose.
I have been on this dose since May. When my doctor first told me he wanted me on this drug it had sounded very familiar to me. I quickly remembered having a patient that was taking it who had just received a liver transplant. This drug is given in patients who receive transplants to keep their body from rejecting the organ. I was a little confused as to how this was going to help me. Was he preparing me for a kidney transplant? No.  

Basically, cellcept is an immunosuppressive. In lupus patients, during a flare, the immune system is going CRAZY, as in, hyperactive. The tiger needs tamed!! That's where cellcept comes in. For all my medical buddies, here is more detail on cellcept: http://www.drugs.com/cellcept.html

Bactrim DS 1 tab MWF. This is an antibiotic taken 3 times a week as a preventative to infections. I take this because both the prednisone and cellcept are suppressing my immune system, making me VERY prone to infection. So far, during my treatment, I have only had ONE infection in June. My doc quickly put me on another antibiotic for 5 days and the cold only lasted about a week. As soon as I show ANY signs of infection; fever, chills, green/dark snot or phlegm, sore throat, etc. I MUST call him right away and get put on yet another antibiotic.

Lasix 40mg BID There were some days where I really wanted to overdose on this med. Not to kill myself, but because the swelling was SO bad and painful, I wanted it GONE! 
I am not on this anymore. I stopped taking in June because my swelling was GONE!!

Lisinopril 10mg daily. I had to increase to 20mg because my BP was not controlled on the 10mg. I'm only on 5mg today! Yay! (I'm still on a higher dose than my grandma though! Ugh! Lol) My BP became elevated due to the prednisone, but more so from the kidneys not doing their job.  

If the flow of blood through the renal arteries decreases for any reason, the kidneys can be tricked into thinking that blood pressure is too low. The kidneys detect this decrease and release the hormone renin in an attempt to raise blood pressure and restore normal blood flow. Problems arise when the decrease in blood flow is not actually caused by low blood pressure. In these cases, the kidneys end up raising blood pressure to very high levels in order to push more blood through the narrowed renal arteries. http://highbloodpressure.about.com/od/associatedproblems/a/renovascular.htm

Zantac 75mg daily. This was a requirement for me every day! The prednisone ate up my stomach so terribly! The pain was unbearable at times! Since I have only been on 10mg for about a month now, I do not take is every day. Still, there are days that I feel that pain coming in the morning and have to take one. Nothing compared to before though!

Tums ES 600g BID I took this to help with the above ^ problem. Stomach issues. But also, to increase my calcium level from the prednisone that was depleting me of it. 

As my doc was going over all the meds, adding and adding, I could not help but become overwhelmed. My eyes filled with tears as I thought about how quickly my life was changing. From never needing any kind of medication to a bazillion pills! (Ok, exaggeration). Not only was I overwhelmed with the pills, but also his explanation of the kidney damage and how bad it really was, that I was going to be off work for months, and that the lupus was a pretty big deal, more serious than I thought. Hello denial? Maybe. I asked him why I was feeling worse and not better after the IV treatments. He told me that it just wasn't that easy for my kidneys to heal based on how badly they were damaged. 

Because of my amazing God and wonderful family and friends who have encouraged me, I am not going to let this disease define me. Who I am is not found in a disease, but in WHO I am in Christ! I am His and He is mine. No one can take THAT away! 

Think about your current struggle. Are you allowing it to define you? Let Him have it!

"Who I am is not found in ________, but in who I am in Christ!"

Who are we in Christ?  

I have the mind of Christ (1 Corinthians 2:16; Philippians 2:5).
I can do all things through Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:13).
I have the peace of God that passes all understanding(Philippians 4:7). 
I am more than a conqueror through Him Who loves me (Romans 8:37).
I am the light of the world (Matthew 5:14).
I am forgiven of all my sins and washed in the Blood (Ephesians 1:7). 
I am healed by the stripes of Jesus (Isaiah 53:5; 1 Peter 2:24).

I am greatly loved by God (Romans 1:7; Ephesians 2:4; Colossians 3:12; 1 Thessalonians 1:4).
I am strengthened with all might according to His glorious power (Colossians 1:11)
I press on toward the goal to win the prize to which God in Christ Jesus is calling us upward (Philippians 3:14).
For God has not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, love, and a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7).

It is not I who live, but Christ lives in me (Galatians 2:20).

...and oh so many more here! 

Wonderful Wednesday

Wonderful things this week:

Morning reading with great-grandma! So glad Elin has a chance to know and spend time with her great-grandma!

 

 It's here! It's here!! As I mentioned in this post, we won the Izze contest and received a year supply! Izze arrived at our house this week and we couldn't be more excited! ;)

A sweet surprise from a sweet friend! A special card with a very personal letter that touched me deeply, a gift card for a night out, and a beautiful painting that features the verse I have been meditating on: 

'I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; for you, O Lord, make me dwell in safety' Psalm 4:8. 

God is so awesome! I'm sure the person who gave me this wonderful gift had no idea I had been memorizing this verse! What a blessing!

My mom, sister, nephew, Elin and I, all ventured out together one morning! They took me to my acupuncture/chiropractic appointment and then we did some shopping. We had a lot of fun at Target, of course!

  (I was a passenger in the car in this picture by the way!)

A mug from a beautiful friend that I use EVERY morning! It was given to me as a reminder of God's promises that are forever true to each one of us!

Have a wonderful Wednesday!

Prednisone: How Can Such A Little Pill Make Me So....AHHH!!!

After my IV steroid treatments of 750mg x3 days I tapered down to 60mg Prednisone daily. (Prednisone is the name for the oral form of steroids where Solumedrol is the name for the IV form)

I knew some of the side effects of steroids. I had seen the effects first hand, and had also heard of some of the side effects from patients and friends who had been on high doses. 

Right after my IV doses, the only thing that I started experiencing was lots of energy early in the morning. I would wake up around 4am every morning, ready to get moving! This started to get very frustrating because by the time Elin woke up I was getting pretty exhausted.

My mom had received an email from a friend of ours at church who had undergone a kidney transplant due to kidney failure. I wrote about him a little here. He had been on high doses of steroids as well and wrote my mom, giving her a heads up on what I may experience on the steroids. My mom so kindly sent it to Jared to "warn" him! Haha. I'm glad my family was a little prepared as to what they were going to be experiencing! See below...this sums it up.

 

http://prednisonesupport.tumblr.com/

Here is a chart describing the side effects of steroids. The intensity of side effects will vary from person to person and size of dose. I will explain below a little how each has affected me, or not affected me. 

Emotional Disturbances: Where to start? Feeling on edge 24/7. Anxiety every moment of the day. Excitability. Shaky. Wanting to snap at the littlest things that would bother me. (I am currently on 10mg daily and still have my days when this affects me but definitely not as bad now!)

Enlarged Sella Turcica: A depression in the base of the skull where the pituitary gland is situated.http://www.medterms.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=9683

Moon Facies: This is a moon face. Your face going from nice cheek bone definition to a very round "puffy" face! I noticed my face getting "puffy" one day when I was putting on my makeup. My cheeks felt like I had them puffed. When I looked closer in the mirror I realized I looked like it too! I don't really have any good picture of me with my moon face. Now that my face is "normal" again, I wish I would have taken one! Here is the best one I could find. It's hard to tell. You can also see my large abdomen if you look closely. If anything, this picture shows off some pretty special people! :)

Osteoporosis:Osteoporosis, or thinning bones, is a serious condition that can result in tremendous pain with fractures. http://www.webmd.com/osteoporosis/default.htm
This possible side effect is one of the reasons why I get to "indulge" in at least 2-Tums Extra Strength tabs each day. They give me the added calcium I need to keep my bones strong. They also are much needed for the abdominal pain caused by the prednisone! 

Cardiac Hypertrophy (Hypertension, high blood pressure): I remember one night, the week right after my IV treatments and just a couple days before seeing my nephrologist, I was in bed and woke up at about 12am with the WORST headache! I had taken Tylenol just before bed (which I had been doing for the kidney pain). This concerned me that a headache woke me up! As I sat up in bed, my heart felt like it was going to explode, I was sweating and hot and did not feel right. Because my BP had been high at previous appointments and in the hospital, I thought I better check it to make sure I didn't need to go to the ER. (not that I would have anyway, and I didn't when I maybe should have) I stumbled down stairs to get my BP cuff and stethoscope, brought it up to bed and tried my best to put it on myself. (that was funny) I told Jared what I was doing, but, he is a great sleeper and didn't wake up enough to know what was going on! :) My BP was 158/100 I believe. Luckily my doctors appointment was soon so I knew it would get taken care of then!

Buffalo Hump: Oh yes. A buffalo hump is extra fat that develops at the back of the neck and upper back. Mine developed pretty much at the base of my neck. 

Obesity: So...I had just finished loosing 20lbs doing Prism (I talked a bit about Prism here) I was already gaining weight quickly due to water weight from the swelling, add the prednisone and the abdominal weight gain began.

As you see in the picture below, one of these photos is of me carrying my sweet Elin in my belly and the other is a picture of me on 60mg of prednisone and ascites (accumulation of fluid in the peritoneal cavity) due to the kidney damage. Can you tell? ;)

 The photo on the right is me pregnant

Adrenal Tumor or Hyperplasia: The adrenal gland producing too much cortisol. Cortisol is the bodies natural steroid.

Thin, wrinkled skin: I really haven't experienced this. 

Abdominal Striae: Oh stretch marks! My stomach was already "blessed" by you while I was cookin' my sweet baby girl! ;) With the abdominal obesity caused by the prednisone, I now have added stretch marks.  

Amenorrhea: Or, absent menstruation. This is, I believe, the ONLY positive thing about prednisone!! Unfortunately, due to my crazy mood swings, abdominal bloating and acne, you would have thought I was PMSing every day! ;) 

Muscle Weakness: Just to give a little example. Back in June we had our vacation bible school program at church and I held my 18 month old nephew (who weighs a bit more than Elin) during most of the program (only about 20 min). I woke up the next day and my arms were soo sore! They were tender for about 2 days after that! Haha.

Purpura: Bruising. I Bruise pretty easily now. Not as much now compared to when I was on a high dose of prednisone. I have one reoccurring bruise on my right forearm, right below my antecub. It's weird. It just likes to "show up" every now and then. 

Skin Ulcers (poor wound healing): I was lucky enough not to get any ulcers. And when I went on the prednisone I didn't have any sores or cuts that required healing. Since I'm pretty prone to injury, I have had to be VERY careful not to injure myself. I'm pretty amazed at how well I am doing!

A few other side effects this chart does not mention that I also have experienced while on prednisone: acne, insomnia, hyperglycemia (high blood sugar), hot flashes, increased hunger, excess stomach acid secretion (not so much heartburn but severe stomach pain/burning, like my insides were eating themselves), and abnormal heart rhythm (which I currently deal with on a daily basis, it's really annoying!)  

 

http://complicatedfabulous.wordpress.com/

I have tapered down from 60mg to 10mg (my current dose) over the course of a couple months. I must say, this drug is NOT fun, but it DID do the trick as far as healing my kidneys up. I am so grateful it has worked so I would not have to go through; chemotherapy, dialysis and/or a kidney transplant. Thank you Jesus!

If It's IV, Why Does It Seem Like PO? Part 9

Infusion Thursday came. The beginning of my steroid treatments. This would be a 3 day adventure for me. My mom insisted on taking me to my first treatment. I was feeling pretty exhausted and was unsure of how I would feel after my treatment, so I obliged. ;) 

I headed up to the outpatient special procedure room a little before noon. I walked in to to the treatment room where I was met by one of my nursing friends who runs the small unit. She was running around, very busy, dealing with other patients there for infusions, injections, etc. Most everyone receiving treatments were well over 60 years old. Needless to say, I felt a little out of place. The nurse registered me into the computer system quickly and called down to the pharmacy so the IV medication could be delivered. She told me to sit wherever I wanted to. There were about 10 large, comfy, reclining chairs all around the room with an IV pole at each chair.  

I waited and chatted with my mom, waiting to begin the treatments. The nurse comes over and takes my VS. She took my blood pressure and was surprised at how high it was. (I'm pretty sure it was something like 145/90) It had been running that high when I was admitted to the hospital that past weekend. All my other vitals were fine. Just that darn high BP and high heart rate (which I have always had). 

The nurse sends some of the patients who are done with treatments on their way. It's just me sitting next to a sweet, little elderly lady who is receiving a blood transfusion. The nurse then puts in my IV and begins the treatments. 

Knowing that I am a nurse, she gets me the IV solution and treatment medication book out so I can look at symptoms, side effects, etc. of the drug. Each treatment will be a whopping 750mg! The nurses, including myself, were a bit surprised at such a large dose, saying that we had never given a dose that large before. All I could do was laugh at the "firsts" I was experiencing and pray this treatment would reverse the damage to my kidneys. 

If your like me and want a more detailed explanation, this is why steroids are used for treatment of my lupus nephritis class IV:

Classes III and IV

Patients with either focal (class III) or diffuse (class IV) lupus nephritis are at high risk of progressing to ESRD (End Stage Renal Disease) and thus require aggressive therapy.

Administer prednisone 1 mg/kg/day for at least 4 weeks, depending on clinical response. Then, taper it gradually to a daily maintenance dose of 5-10 mg/day for approximately 2 years. In acutely ill patients, intravenous (IV) methylprednisolone at a dosage of up to 1000 mg/day for 3 days may be used to initiate corticosteroid therapy. 

In patients who do not respond to corticosteroids alone, who have unacceptable toxicity to corticosteroids, who have worsening renal function, who have severe proliferative lesions, or who have evidence of sclerosis on renal biopsy specimens, use immunosuppressive drugs in addition to corticosteroids. 

Mechanism of Action

Glucocorticoid; controls or prevents inflammation by controling the rate of protein synthesis, suppressing migration of PMNs & fibroblasts, reversing capillary permeability, & stabilizing lysosome at cellular level

http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/330369-treatment#aw2aab6b6b2

She started my treatment and explained that I would probably have a terrible taste in my mouth after the treatment. Boy was she right! The horrible taste started within 15 minutes of the treatment! I tried chewing gum to take the taste away but that hardly helped. It's so hard to describe the taste: metallic, bitter, nauseating, unnatural...disgusting! Lol. This taste lasted pretty much till evening every treatment day. I did learn, after day one, to order a meal tray before, and eat lunch during the treatment. This helped a little bit. The infusion lasted about an hour each day. I was usually there for at least 2 hours due to; IV placement, waiting on pharmacy to deliver meds, the nurse who was very busy each day, and of course, computer problems! :)

I asked if I could keep the IV in place since I was coming back for another treatment the next day. I thought, no sense in poking me twice if I don't have to be! The nurse wrapped it up good and gave me a couple flushes so I could be sure it was going to stay intact. With Elin pulling on it saying 'boo boo' all the time, showering and dressing, I was surprisingly able to keep it in until the next day!

By the 3rd day of treatment I knew my IV wasn't going to make it. It was starting to become red, painful and just plain annoying. So, I pulled it out Friday night! I figured I'd just get stuck again. No big deal.

My mom was awesome! She took me to get groceries after my treatment because we didnt have much of anything to eat in the house. I had been so busy with doctor and hospital visits and not feeling up to it. Even though I was feeling pretty bad, I wanted to prove to myself, and others, that I was still able to function. HA! (I still say that and act like it on a daily basis) ;) As I was walking down the aisles at the grocery store by myself, (mom was getting her own groceries) I remember feeling like I was having an out of body experience. I was dizzy, in a total fog, ready to pass out from exhaustion. I ran into one of my moms friends (surprisingly, not literally) and talked for a minute about how I was doing. Once again lying about how "good" I was feeling! Then later, my mom tells me how her friend told her how out of it I was. My mom agreed. I was not really "there". Walking around the grocery store was the most activity that I had done in weeks and boy did I push my limits with that one! 
 
I guess I expected that I would be completely healed up and feeling amazing by the end of the 3 IV treatments. HA. That's funny. Aside from having a lot of energy at 4:00 in the morning (thank you steroids) I was still just as exhausted, in pain, and now much more moody and on edge (thank you again...steroids). 

Sunday I began my PO prednisone of 60mg. Yes, this is a very high dose of steroids. I was just wondering when the side-effects would start kicking in. Oh, and did they ever! Little did I know that next Wednesday at my nephrologist appointment, I would be substantially adding to my pill collection. Oh boy!
 

Wonderful Wednesday!

Wonderful things this week:

A great date night! Indians lost, but great fireworks at the end. Plus...Jared got an all you can eat ticket! So of COURSE I mooched! We ate about 5 servings of nachos and cheese, 4 hot dogs, popcorn, peanuts and soda! Hello Prism that I started again this past Monday! I had to have one last hurrah! ;)

Annual fall family softball game and picnic! We scored the trophy, yet again! Thankful for days like these that I don't have to take a nap in the afternoon!

 Frozen blueberry parties on grandmas kitchen floor. About the only thing they will sit still for...blueberries! ;) Who needs grandmas cookies when she has blueberries!?!

A wonderful friend (aka my little sister Jul) ;) She heard I was not sleeping and INSISTED on making us dinner this week. The stuffed peppers were sooo good! And Jared was pretty excited to get a bunch of chocolate chip cookies since I don't bake them anymore. 

Have a wonderful Wednesday!

Lupus? What The Heck Is That Anyway? Part 8

After getting the call from the nephrologist, and knowing that I now had a diagnosis of lupus nephritis, I knew I would be having IV steroid treatments x3 days and then starting a dose of 60mg of Prednisone PO daily. I quickly explained everything to Jared then went upstairs to get all of my medical nursing textbooks out, turning straight to the lupus page. As soon as I got to those pages, I started to remember the studying, highlighting, and rewriting notes on this subject just 3 years ago. As I was scanning through the pages, I remember stopping, looking up from the book and thinking, 'wow, never did I think while studying this in school I would actually be diagnosed and learning it all again for myself!'
 

Here is some information on lupus for those of you who may not understand the disease well. These are taken from WebMD. A great source that explains things pretty easily, without a lot of medical terminology.

What is systemic lupus erythematosus, or lupus?

Lupus is an autoimmune disease, which means that the body's natural defense system (immune system) attacks its own tissues instead of attacking foreign substances like bacteria and viruses. This causes inflammation. Inflammation causes swelling, pain, and tissue damage throughout the body. If you develop severe lupus, you may have problems with your kidneys, heart, lungs, nervous system, or blood cells. Lupus is the common name for systemic lupus erythematosus, also called SLE.

Although some people with lupus have only mild symptoms, the disease is lifelong and can become severe.

This topic focuses on systemic lupus erythematosus (SLE), the most common and most serious type of lupus. But there are four other types of lupus: discoid or cutaneous lupus, drug-induced systemic lupus, neonatal lupus, and subacute cutaneous lupus.Source

Like you see above, there are different types of lupus. I was diagnosed with SLE. This form of lupus can affect any organ in the body. Lupus nephritis was the more specific diagnosis I was given because the lupus choose to attack my kidneys at that time. Joint pain is a major symptom in lupus patients. I experienced that pain in December. Along with an elevated ANA, and later, a confirmed diagnosis with an elevated double strand DNA and titer, these factors together helped the doctors make the diagnosis of lupus.

Lupus Nephritis

Lupus nephritis is inflammation of the kidney that is caused by systemic lupus erythematous (SLE). Also called lupus, SLE is an autoimmune. With lupus, the body's immune system targets its own body tissues. Lupus nephritis happens when lupus involves the kidneys.

An estimated one-third to one-half of lupus patients develop lupus nephritis within the first six months to three years of their lupus diagnosis. When the kidneys are inflamed, they can't function normally and can leak protein. If not controlled, lupus nephritis can lead to kidney failure.Source


I went over to my parents that night, textbooks in hand, and educated my family a little. I was glad to finally have a diagnosis that I could at least study up on and learn more about. 

Here is a neat chart on lupus. Click on the source for a better look:

Source

Because I was forced to research lupus, I told some of the girls at work that I felt like I was going back to nursing school, obtaining a masters degree in lupus!

That Friday, I would make my way to the hospital to begin my IV steroid treatments. I was praising God that I did not have to be admitted for 3 days when I really didn't need to be! 
 

2012 Walk For Lupus

  

(Click above to take you to the Walk for Lupus Now site for more information)

 So, when I first heard about this "Walk for Lupus," I thought, 'no, I'm not doing that!' For one, I have no energy, and two, it's right in the middle of nap time! Haha. For Elin and I both!

My mom and I then went up to the foundation headquarters this past week to hear a speaker. I was very motivated by the CEO of the foundation to participate in the walk. She shared about the empowering walk, how beautiful the park is, hundreds of people participating, etc. I thought this would be a great opportunity to meet others like myself, struggling with this disease and share how the only strength I've needed to get me through was solely the strength of the Lord!

We decided to create a team for the walk:

"Fighting Strong and Courageous" 

 

It will be a nice afternoon of walking and enjoying friends and family! Looking forward to it! :)

If your would like to join our walk

 click here!

If you would like to donate

click here!

Wonderful Wednesday

Wonderful things this week:

I went and had my first acupuncture and chiropractic adjustment on Friday. Very interesting, but very promising! I knew my levels of vitamin D and B12 were pretty low, but my other physicians didn't think they were a big deal apparently (which made me not worry). The chiropractor that is treating me said I was seriously low in these levels, the lowest he had seen. He told me, "no wonder why you feel so bad!"
After getting some supplements and hearing how this should really improve my health, I left very encouraged and glad Jared forced me to go, making the appointment for me! ;) I had a rough week of basically no sleep. He was desperate, and so was I! I will be continuing the treatments x6 weeks.  

My sweet girl who cuddled with me when I couldn't get up and play. I was in a state of complete exhaustion for a couple days due to sleeping less than 3 hours for 5 nights straight.

My wonderful sister and nephew who came over and spent the morning with us. Giving me a break so I could just lay on the couch, due to previous statement!

(Found these on vacation this year and thought they were funny. My sister said I needed one! Whhhaat??)

Luckily I didn't need a "FIT" doll to get me through the crazy week last week! God gave me the strength to endure each day, without throwing a "fit" mind you (sista)! :)

Have a wonderful Wednesday!

Where Are You Oh Perfect Doctor?

Something has been really bothering me lately. Keeping me up at night and causing me anxiety. It is the fact that I am told I need to find a rheumatologist. A rheumatalogist is a doctor who studies and treats lupus patients. The reason I am hesitant to go see one is because I have this feeling they are going to say, 'here are some pills to take all your life, hopefully these will keep you in remission. Good luck.' And that is not what I want.

About a month ago I decided to look for a rheumatologist. Talk about finding a needle in a haystack. I found a practice that had a female physician within my insurance coverage who also practices at a hospital I would go to if I develop any further complications. When I called to inquire a bit more about her, I asked the scheduler if there were any rheumatalogists within that practice who favored more natural treatments. (my desire is to have a balance of natural and medical treatments) To my surprise her answer was the female doctor who I had been interested in! I was pretty excited when I got off the phone with an appointment made with the doctor who I thought would be just perfect for me!

Throughout that month of waiting for my appointment date, several people randomly told me great things about this rheumatalogist. For instance, when I was at an appointment with my kidney doc one week, I told him I needed a referral to see this rheumatalogist. He told me he had just talked to her about me the day before. Telling her my story and how he may mention her to me if I hadn't found someone to treat my lupus yet. This got me extremely excited, knowing God had guided me to the perfect rheumatalogist!

Last week I went to this appointment. As I was walking into the building, I remember asking God to give me clarity as I was to decide if this was the rheumatalogist for me. The same time I was praying, I thought what I asking was weird. I already knew she was going to be a perfect fit for me! Right? I had been expecting it to work out this way for months.

Needless to say she was far from what I was expecting and hoping for. She did not really support or encourage my desire for treatments. She told me, "here is a pill I want you to take the rest of your life, hopefully it will keep you in remission, that is, if you choose to take it." Ok, not her exact words, but pretty close! I was so frustrated after that appointment. Disappointed. Hopeless. Thinking I'm never going to find a doctor that is right for me.

On my drive home I had to decide to look for the lesson in this experience. What was I to learn through this month of thinking this one appointment was going to be the answer I was looking for. My thoughts went back to walking into the office and my prayer of clarity and guidance. He was making it pretty clear to me that this was not who was to treat me.

Since then, I have been struggling with doubt, frustration, feeling like I'm going to have to do what someone tells me I must do regardless of what I want or feel is right for me. The other day, my mom posted something on Facebook that really stuck out to me. I instantly related it to this latest experience with finding the perfect doctor and being disappointed.

She posted:

"LOVE living in this! 'Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful that the human mind can understand. His peace will guard you hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. ' Phil. 4:6-7 I remember memorizing this as a freshman in high school...so glad I did...this peace is AMAZING!'

God spoke to me in that moment. He told me to tell him what I want, be specific, and then don't worry about it! Well that's easy enough, right? Ehh, not always. So I told him exactly what kind of doctor I want and am leaving it up to him. I am still doing my part though. Making calls, getting some of my physicians opinions, etc. I definitely have my moments when I get frustrated and satan fills my mind with doubt. But I keep going back to this promise and like my mom said, "LIVE IN IT!" :)